I guess at what Apple might say during their iPhone 4 press conference on Friday:

"Listen, you ungrateful bitches: Without us you'd still be texting in T9 on a Motorola RAZR."

"Instead of holding your iPhone with the 'death grip' we recommend this new 'love tap' hand position."

"If we sent out free cases, that'd expose the case industry for what it is: Jerks who charge $30 for $2 of plastic."

"We purposely scheduled this event for Friday to give @gruber adequate time to mourn Steinbrenner."

"Look, we've given you the ultimate excuse for ending long calls with your mother. This is definitely a feature."

"If you shut up about the reception, we'll let you have your way with any of our execs. Gays already claimed Jony."

"Okay, so right now our solution is to use duct tape to affix a Nokia to the back of your iPhone."

"We have worked very closely with AT&T to solve this problem. Haha. Just kidding. Those fuckers are useless."

"We will be providing every iPhone 4 owner with an AT&T MicroCell and a 2,500 foot ethernet cable."

"Thanks for joining us today. We just wanted to call you here to ask if anyone's seen Steve. He's...missing again."

"We're excited to announce a new iOS app called, 'Shut Up You Nerds'. It's like FourSquare for whiny bitches."

"It's cute when Microsoft compares our small engineering problems to their astonishing race towards irrelevance."

"We're giving everybody free bumper cases. You can choose one of two colors: pink or baarfffange."

"Yeah, yeah, reception. More importantly: That commercial with the deaf couple made you tear up a bit, didn't it?"

"Okay, go buy an EVO. We don't give a shit. They've got a kickstand. We changed THE FUCKING WORLD."

"If you're having signal problems, please FaceTime Apple support. So we can watch you tell us with your lying eyes."

"We're serious about fixing this problem and rebuilding our reputation. Which is why we've hired Tony Hayward."

"Apple is held to a higher standard. Which means, unlike our competitors, non-nerds actually give a shit about us."

"We understand that your iPhone is a critical tool for connecting with all the none people who want to talk to you."

"Getting your iPhone fixed is going to be as easy as it was buying it. So plan on standing in the sun for 7 hours."

"We just called this press event to reiterate that we still hate @gizmodo"

"We've invited our friend John Mayer to sing his new song, 'Show Me On The Antenna Where The Bad Man Touched You'."